A Marital Check-up

While it is true in marriage that opposites attract, couples do need to share core morals and values. A couple has to be headed down the same path with the same goals. Very often discussions about money turn into major conflicts because couples do not share the same core values regarding spending and saving habits. If a couple is not like-minded there could be serious trouble ahead in the marital relationship. Another area for potential conflict is artificial contraception and how to regulate the birth of children in a marriage. One of the major purposes of marriage besides building your spouse’s self-esteem and helping each other achieve eternity with God, is the procreation and education of children. Very often it is the woman who is asked to sacrifice her health and well-being because she is expected to take birth control pills. However birth control pills have a demonstrably detrimental side effects to the overall health of a woman. A couple should share the core morality of regulating births through Natural Family Planning (NFP). A man who genuinely loves his spouse would never ask her to go on birth control pills and deal with the very real consequences to her body, mind, and soul. This continues to be visibly demonstrated by study after study, so much so that even a non-Christian would draw the same conclusions.

Psychologists all the way back to the ancient philosophers of Greece have studied and categorized a variety of human temperaments, meaning an individual’s “thumbprint” as to how they are wired. Typically a simple way to look at it is that a so-called “Type A” temperament fits better with a laid back temperament. So in marriage, temperaments should balance out with one another. Two “Type A” temperaments generally will not work well for a marital relationship nor will two laid back people have much success either.

The third area where couples need to take a more reflective look is, “Are both committed to saving and/or creating a healthy relationship?” The assumption that marriage is forever and that your partner is going along just for the ride is quite dangerous. Marriages must grow and stretch and the couple has to be “all-in.” Wanting to stay married is the best predictor of being able to work through and compromise in areas of disagreement that at first glance seem daunting or irreconcilable. The assumption that a partner will go along just to get along is faulty and a real danger area for marriages. It is a simple but true axiom, “don’t take your spouse for granted.”

Now beyond avoiding taking your partner for granted is a huge one, do you speak your partner’s love language? This can mean simply things like, “What does he like?” or “What makes her feel special?” The answer to these questions are not panaceas meaning fixed formulas to calm an unstable relationship. These are things that bring true meaning and sincerity to the marital relationship. If your spouse’s love language is quality time then are you present with him/her in a genuine and thoughtful manner. Spouses do not like to be a “third wheel” whether it is to work or a leisure activity. A spouse should be able to say to themselves, “No matter what we do, I want to be with you.” Yes guys that may mean a trip to the mall.

Even very good marital relationships have conflicts and it is during these conflicts where spouses have an opportunity to really hurt each other and damage the relationship deeply. Instead of working against each other (oftentimes for the same goal!) couples need to be able to work together to resolve problems. Marriage can be thought of as a pair of shoes and from time to time these shoes need to be cleaned and polished. This means both shoes! Marriages can always benefit from a good “brushing up.”

Not surprisingly couples who stay invested in their marriages are attracted to each other physically and they genuinely like each other. Ask yourself if you like the sight of him in his boxers or her in her “nightie.” Most marriages are based on a solid friendship but if that has been lost then get it back. This can be done through going on dates or talking and listening to each other without the distractions of media (or children!). “Liking” each other again can mean everything for a marriage to continue growing and being all that it can be. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

The Tokugawa Shogunate

The “Tokugawa Shogunate” ruled in Japan from 1603 until 1868. This feudal regime, established by an individual named Tokugawa Leyasu, was ruled subsequently by the “shoguns” of the Tokugawa family. Now a shogun was a “hereditary” military commander while the Emperor was more of a figurehead during the long rule of the shoguns in Japan (1192-1867). One may remember a TV miniseries called “Shogun” based on the novel by James Clavell. Clavell also wrote “To Sir With Love” that was turned into a wonderful movie starring Sidney Poitier, the first African-American to win an academy award for his role in “Lilies of the Field.”

The Tokugawa Shogunate ruled from Edo Castle which was changed to the name “Tokyo” in 1868 after the abolishment of the Tokugawa shogunate (and thus the rule of all shoguns) during the Meiji Restoration. Shogun rule was based on a strict class hierarchy that was inflexible. It was a military style rule where there were lords, warriors (samurai), farmers, artisans, and traders. The movie, “The Last Samurai” (2003) starring Tom Cruise, is set in 19th-century Japan where after centuries of hiring samurai for the national defense, Emperor Meiji has made it clear he wants to do away with the samurai warriors. Tom Cruise plays a Civil War veteran hired to train an army to wipe out the samurai. However he is captured by the samurai and becomes conflicted once he learns of their history. Before the drama depicted in “The Last Samurai”  and during the early rule of the Tokugawa Shogunate, Christianity was banned or being stomped out because of one man’s two year visit to Japan starting in 1549.

St. Francis Xavier (a Jesuit priest) was the first Christian to go to Japan as a missionary and at first he was met with tremendous resistance, but after working for more than two years he was able to establish, along with help from many others, three congregations within Japan’s feudal society. St. Francis struggled to learn the Japanese language but he was able to use artwork to teach the Christian faith. Christianity began to grow in Japan, albeit slowly, and things came to a head in 1637-38 in the Shimabara Rebellion where 40,000 Christian peasants were confronted and the Christian religion was banned under the penalty of death. Whenever someone was suspected of being a Christian, regime officials from the Tokugawa Shogunate would place pictures of Jesus and Mary before the “suspects” and order them to stomp on them. Refusal to do so, if persisted in, would end in execution.

The President of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB), Cardinal Timothy Dolan said on May 9th, 2012, “In our own country we are seeing the growth of a movement just as antithetical in theory to Catholicism and traditional Christianity as the Tokugawa shogunate, and it finds its home in the Democratic Party. What we have seen over the last few decades is the evolution of the Democratic Party into an overtly anti-Catholic party. The Obama administration is the culmination of this trend. This, of course, is deeply ironic because the Democratic party is a major party in this country with the help of the votes of tens of millions of purported Catholics.” Cardinal Dolan goes on to point out how Democrats, with some notable honorable exceptions, have championed things like abortion rights, the embrace of homosexuality including driving the Catholic Church out of the adoption business because it refuses to embrace adoption for same-sex couples and mandating homosexual indoctrination in public schools that masquerades as education and finally mandating that Catholic Institutions offer “free” contraception coverage for its employees. Now more recently the President has endorsed same-sex marriage which is an attempt to “redefine” marriage.

At the heart of any significant relationship is a desire to belong to another perhaps in friendship or as life-long married partners sharing all of life’s joys and sorrows. So why is a marriage between two people of the “same-sex” not the same as marriage between a man and a woman? Pope Benedict provides us with the most clear voice on this matter when he states that “the Church in the United States is called, in season and out of season, to proclaim a Gospel which not only proposes unchanging moral truths but proposes them precisely as the key to human happiness and social prospering.” The Holy Father connects unchanging moral truths as a key to human happiness and social prospering and neither cultural trends, scientific rationality, suppression through government action or majority rule should deter the truth from being offered to all men. Pope Benedict says that nothing should get in the way of man’s ultimate vocation, a relationship with God. Closing the doors to “transcendent” truth leads to impoverishment and to a reductionist and totalitarian understanding of the human person and the nature of society. “The cosmos is possessed of an inner logic accessible to human reasoning.” The Holy Father goes on to state that, “this moral reasoning, based on the natural law, is grounded on the Church’s conviction that this law is not a threat to human freedom.” The moral message of Christianity is not a message of constraint but one of liberation, of true freedom. Christians cannot be silent on “certain issues.” There is a tendency to reduce religious freedom to mere freedom of worship without guarantees of respect for freedom of conscience. “There is no realm of worldly affairs which can be withdrawn from the Creator and His Dominion.” Christians, especially Catholics, have a sacred obligation to be a consistent witness of their deepest convictions and contribute to the renewal of society as a whole.

Homosexuality is not a lifestyle that is conducive to the dignity of the human person. It eats away at true human joy and happiness and it is not a good for society. This is no different from the sexual struggles found by others in pornography, masturbation, and sex outside of the marriage covenant between a man and woman. These (and many other sexual sins) are all outside of God’s plan for all men and women. When I was getting my counseling degree I was privileged to hear a young man speak about his struggle with homosexuality and his eventual “escape” by the Grace of God from that lifestyle. One thing he always said has stuck with me. He said that he wanted to fight this sin in his life much like a recovering alcoholic wants to fight against the addiction of alcohol. Thus he needed a support group, a willingness to surrender, and personal accountability. Just like for all sinners we need each other, we need to surrender our wills to God’s will, and when we fall, to take responsibility for our actions and continue to fight against our individual vices and bad habits by the Grace of God. After all, He wants us all to be joyful and to go to Heaven. Don’t be fearful of the struggle for God is on your side!

“Here the subliminal influence of Marxist philosophy surfaces: the notion that it is not the consciousness of men that determines their being but, on the contrary, their social being that determines their consciousness. It is a moral problem, not a problem of morale.”

“Material security and human relationships unconstrained by any kind of necessity does not set mankind free.”

“Only if the veil of self-deception is torn from their eyes can anyone improve the quality of their lives.”

“Experience has taught me that it is wrong and cruel to suspend judgment, that non-judgmentalism is at best indifference to the suffering of others, at worst a disguised form of sadism.”

Dr. Theodore Dalrymple, British Psychiatrist

Facing the Truth About Abortion

Many politicians do not want women having an abortion with “informed consent.” As a counselor who constantly lets clients know what to expect from therapy, I find this quite alarming. This is treating a woman with great disrespect and is not ethical. This issue has come up in Virginia where Republican lawmakers rewrote a bill to mandate that women have regular noninvasive abdominal ultrasounds before an abortion. Originally the bill called for an invasive procedure, a “transvaginal ultrasound,” but the Governor said that he wanted to change the terms of his support for this bill because he said he did not realize that the law would require an invasive procedure (the transvaginal ultrasound). Sadly, Democratic lawmakers were not even satisfied with the regular noninvasive procedure. Shouldn’t a woman ready to permit the removal of her baby from her womb have to look the child in the eye first before deciding? However the law doesn’t require a woman even to listen to the heartbeat. The law does say the woman has an “opportunity” to see exactly what she is doing. The crux of the problem is that people do not want to take responsibility for what they are actually doing. Why is it wrong to “upset” a woman when the life of an innocent child hangs in the balance? No one is taking away a woman’s right to end the life of her child. The bill in Virginia simply asked a woman to make “informed consent” meaningful by facing the truth. After listening to many stories from women who have had abortions, I have noticed a pattern of most abortions being knee-jerk reactions and hence an impulsive decision where the consequences are given little or no thought. Often the mother faces pressure from a boyfriend who is more than willing to have sex with her but has little desire for fatherhood. Women suffer emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually for years and even decades after an abortion. Had the decision been rationally formulated via informed consent there would be much less suffering amongst women. So many pregnant women just get scared and want to make the whole situation just go away. Abortion would appear to be the perfect antidote. When one is fearful one does not make rational or reasonable decisions. Those decisions are driven by emotions. A woman is not doing something noble by sacrificing her baby for some vague cause. She will become another victim only this time the truth will be very painful to face. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

The Fear of Making a Commitment

The last complication (#7) in building a solid foundation is the “undecided male,” the man who is fearful of making a commitment. A young man may have even responded to a young lady’s eagerness by proposing to her but somehow he is not emotionally ready. This happens very often because of premarital sex where the young man has already gained some gratification and he thinks he doesn’t have to worry so much about making the commitment. A significant percentage of couples become sexually intimate early in the process of getting acquainted and the “goods” are delivered without much emotional involvement or connection being made. Another factor that contributes to the “undecided male” phenomenon is that the young men are immature and don’t really know what they want, except sex. Also the type of fathering young men have experienced is almost non-existent. If a young man lacks a male mentor, what concept of fathering will these men have as they grow up? Little or none. Look carefully at what can complicate your choices and decisions because if you do you will be better prepared to create the relationship you truly desire. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Looking Deeper

Last week I wrote about the confusion and anxiety over the more recent approaches, such as the Internet, to search for love and mentioned that we would be focusing on the 7 paths to strong and lasting relationships. The first path is to build solid foundations. I also mentioned the first complication within that path as being a sense of unpredictability in how to go about searching for one’s soul mate. The second complication is the images of what we want not being shaped by our inner needs but by Hollywood, the fashion industry, and the media. Unfortunately the “shopping list” of demands of what people want in a mate is comprised by expectations of “must-have” features that spring up from who knows where. These expectations could arise from our inner needs or they could come from the culture surrounding us. The detailed, picky specifications that people express about ideal mates can become obstacles that prevent them from connecting with reality. Physical attraction, for example, does not always translate into a long-lasting profound relationship. You do not find your lifetime partner as a result of only an initial attraction. In fact that initial reaction can be brought down a few notches when we listen or speak to people and get to know them. In our society we do indeed have a tendency to “judge a book by its cover” and we really don’t look inside. We stay on the surface and this impairs our ability to get know someone on a deeper level. As a counselor when I am told things like, “I am sleeping with a stranger” or “I don’t know this person anymore” or ” This isn’t the person I married” it can mean they fell into the trap of only knowing someone on a superficial level. The stuff of real relationships is being able to see into another person’s heart and to find the treasure that lies within. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Anabolic Steroids and Birth Control Pills – Part Three

In the case of anabolic steroids, relatively few of us use them and as a result we have no collective emotional investment in them. Therefore an individual’s judgment is not impaired when making the risk/reward analysis. In addition, the media has been very proactive in informing us of the dangers related to anabolic steroid use. Also the medical community has done its job as well with regard to sounding the alarm of the consequences of using anabolic steroids.

In the case of birth control pills, literally millions of women are using the pill. As a result, their significant others (i.e. men) and our society have a collective emotional investment in the pill that makes it very difficult to judge the evidence more clearly and objectively. Also the media has done little to inform us of the dangers related to the use of the pill. In fact, when the media has warned us, it would appear that the media will “bend over backwards” to reassure us that we should continue to use the pill, regardless of how serious this just might be.

A recent study found that most of us are almost completely unaware of these dangers of the pill. Only 40% of pill users were informed by their doctor about the risks of blood clots and stroke, and a mere 19% were informed about the increased risk of breast cancer. Whether one assumes the risks associated with either type of steroids with full knowledge or out of complete ignorance, it is a game of Russian roulette. That is a very dangerous game to play with one’s life and quality of health without even knowing the rules or risks.

Don’t we owe it to ourselves and to our families to thoroughly educate ourselves about any “so-called” medication before putting them into our bodies?  If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Sexual Addiction – Part One

The more time I spend in the counseling office the more I am discovering that addiction to pornography is an all too common problem especially for men (not that this doesn’t affect women as well). A broader term for this area might be referred to as sexual addiction and the complaints usually center around lost time, money spent, and deteriorating circumstances within significant relationships. When the losses are great such as a divorce or loss of job then the behavior rises to the level of an addiction. Sex addicts weave a web of lies around their compartmentalized lives. For the therapist and client, therapy does not work well without the whole or entire picture. Research appears to indicate that sex addicts can take up to two years or longer to commit to a treatment process even though they know they inevitably have to face it. “Commitment” can often start with the “perfect storm” which usually includes something so disastrous, so painful and so costly that the addict accepts the inevitable, surrendering and asking for help. So the sooner an addict can become totally honest, the sooner treatment can begin. Total honesty is the first place for the addict to begin even though “full disclosure” can appear as a very daunting and overwhelming task.  If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Where Do You Stand? Part Three

In 1997 a freshman senator from Pennsylvania leveled strong criticism at Catholic Charities because the organization was opposed to welfare-reform legislation. Rick Santorum said welfare hurt rather than helped poor families. So Catholic Charities made a Faustian deal with the U.S. government meaning “we will take your support and turn a blind eye to some of the discrepancies we are noticing in some of your anti-life policies.” And on and on it went until we had a startling statement in 2009 from Sister Carol Keehan the head of the Catholic Health Association, “The Catholic Health Association applauds the US House of Representatives and President Obama for enacting health care legislation that will bring security and health to millions of American families.” The only problem with her boldness in proclaiming this was the fact that the U.S. Catholic Bishops opposed the legislation fearing significant conflict with the church’s beliefs. So we arrive at the point where the government demands that the Catholic Church continue with its limitless acts of virtue while the government expects limitless compliance to policies that crush life in innumerable ways. Pope John Paul II stood on American soil and stated that the West is a “culture of death.” Why didn’t we take him seriously and perhaps with childlike innocence look to that firm hand of correction with a more open and teachable attitude? Selfishness and self-love dominate our culture while charity almost seems an aberration. Why didn’t someone tell Sister Keehan that she does not speak for the Catholic Church? So many well-intentioned people get confused by these types of remarks. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

The Compulsive Perfectionist

A Compulsive Perfectionist is someone who, as a child, achieved attention only for significant successes and were ignored or sternly criticized for anything less. They were discouraged from showing their intense feelings and were severely chastened for expressing anger or frustration. Their parents were emotionally cold and distant and uncomfortable with physical expressions of affection or intimacy. Perfectionists value logic and order. For them, feelings and relationships are like ants at a picnic, unwanted. Perfectionists are prone to depression, especially after losing control of some aspect of their lives. They are also vulnerable to anxiety problems and worry.  When they worry it only intensifies their compulsive perfectionism leading to irritable and cantankerous behavior. If you are in need of counseling or know someone who does, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Make That Change

Fostering a closer connection in marriage may involve being the first to change. Husbands and/or wives often say, “Why should I change first? I am tired of giving and never getting anything back.” These words are often the words heard when this course of action is first suggested in counseling. With this change might come vulnerability and vulnerability means risk. And taking a risk is what got a spouse hurt in the first place. You either don’t want to be criticized again or you don’t trust that your spouse will be there for you and listen to what you have to say. Old relational wounds may open up again and you would rather just keep your distance or not even bother bringing it up again. So why should you change? Because you are the only one you have control over and you cannot simply abandon a relationship because it gets uncomfortable. Pride, resentfulness, and fear should not prevent you from fulfilling your marital vows. You must make every reasonable effort to fulfill those vows. Couples either grow closer together or they grow apart and that is not good for your emotional health. What are you doing right now to grow closer to your spouse? How are you changing? Where are you stretching yourself? What quality in yourself do you want to work and improve on? Oddly enough if you take the initial step to change it usually does work.  If you are in need of marriage counseling or need some counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.