Defenses Up?

One of the things that we typically do in a marital relationship is to constantly scan for faults in our spouse. Maybe they are going to let us down and not be there for us in some way. If we do find evidence that indicates that our spouse just really doesn’t care such as not listening or not being considerate, we will complain bitterly, criticize their intentions, and maybe even go on the attack. Our “radar system” has been penetrated and we counterattack. Or we may simply withdraw. If you have an avoidant attachment style where “relational” warmth (things like “touch-feely” talks, a warm hand on the shoulder, or dinner by candlelight) feels really uncomfortable then you may constantly have your radar up for any behavior that will confirm your spouse’s unreliability. You just might become either defensive or very busy. Those with an ambivalent attachment style will scan the horizon looking for proof that their spouse will abandon them and they will be left alone. Those with an ambivalent attachment style look for evidence that these wedges already exist by saying things to themselves like, “He doesn’t call on time” or “She talks with friends more than she talks to me.” Shut down your radar. Pull the plug. Back off. Quiet your heart. Allow your intellect to override your instincts. If you are avoidant, accept the incoming “warm and fuzzy” moment. If you are ambivalent and sense abandonment on the way, do the opposite; move in and be the mate your mate wants you to be. Assume the best and react to it positively. If you are in need of marriage counseling or need some counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at