The key to making changes in a marriage is to see your spouse as God’s son or daughter. Your spouse and you are someone Jesus Christ died for and thus you both are part of God’s flock, a part of His handiwork in the Kingdom. Your spouse is worthy of your respect at all times. Spouses can work through each other to accomplish God’s work. Spouses can influence each other to the good. If you want to influence someone to be more Christ-like then you need to become more Christ-like yourself. A spouse’s behavior should be exemplified by a single word: grace. Grace heals. The hallmark of grace is forgiveness, and one aspect of forgiveness is the attitude of “I am giving up my right to retaliation, my right to hurt you back.” If your spouse has given you every reason for withdrawing, pursuing, or fighting, forgiveness means just letting it go. You are going to cancel the debt. However cancelling a debt is just part of forgiveness. The other part is establishing an appropriate relationship. That means not being foolish or inviting more hurt but having enough courage to take risks and to be vulnerable. Share those parts of yourself you have been keeping locked away…secret feelings, risky opinions, times when you risk rejection but share an idea anyway. If you are in need of marriage counseling or need some counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
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Defenses Up?
One of the things that we typically do in a marital relationship is to constantly scan for faults in our spouse. Maybe they are going to let us down and not be there for us in some way. If we do find evidence that indicates that our spouse just really doesn’t care such as not listening or not being considerate, we will complain bitterly, criticize their intentions, and maybe even go on the attack. Our “radar system” has been penetrated and we counterattack. Or we may simply withdraw. If you have an avoidant attachment style where “relational” warmth (things like “touch-feely” talks, a warm hand on the shoulder, or dinner by candlelight) feels really uncomfortable then you may constantly have your radar up for any behavior that will confirm your spouse’s unreliability. You just might become either defensive or very busy. Those with an ambivalent attachment style will scan the horizon looking for proof that their spouse will abandon them and they will be left alone. Those with an ambivalent attachment style look for evidence that these wedges already exist by saying things to themselves like, “He doesn’t call on time” or “She talks with friends more than she talks to me.” Shut down your radar. Pull the plug. Back off. Quiet your heart. Allow your intellect to override your instincts. If you are avoidant, accept the incoming “warm and fuzzy” moment. If you are ambivalent and sense abandonment on the way, do the opposite; move in and be the mate your mate wants you to be. Assume the best and react to it positively. If you are in need of marriage counseling or need some counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
How To Help Your Spouse
Your job as a married partner is to consider your spouse in a way that brings understanding and healing to your relationship. This means you listen to stories that under girds their hurts and pains. This means you listen attentively and with sensitivity. When you provide acceptance and empathy, there is safety and your spouse can more aptly correct the misconceptions built into their attachment (and relational) patterns that produce their fears. God wants to work through spouses so they can help each other become more like Him! This is a big role with a lot of responsibility. Understanding and caring bring about security, safety, and stability. Couples can experience emotionally corrective experiences and learn to trust and love in a more meaningful way. If you are in need of counseling or know someone who does, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.