Forgiveness is a tool for resolving excessive anger in a variety of contexts and disorders. As stated before, forgiveness had been shown to decrease anger, anxiety, and depression and increase an individual’s sense of hope and self-esteem. Many individuals come to therapy because they have experienced considerable injustice from others, sometimes over years. Forgiveness is one of the direct routes to dealing with anger born out of injustice in a way that is constructive and healing. Forgiveness therapy is straightforward and many are now asking for this sort of help, “How do I forgive someone who has hurt me so badly?” Forgiveness therapy offers explicit approaches for altering thoughts about past events and people who have been unfair to an individual. Forgiveness therapy is a way for both client and therapist to examine situations where the client was (or still is) treated unfairly for the express purpose of helping the person to understand the offender, to learn to slowly let go of anger with this person and, over time, to make a moral response of goodness toward the offender(s). If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
Tag Archives: marriage counseling
The Healing of Forgiveness – Part One
For the next several posts, I thought we might consider the topic of forgiveness because simply put, people who forgive someone can greatly improve their emotional health. Research has shown (Dr. Robert Enright) that people who forgive can decrease anger, anxiety, and depression and increase self-esteem and hope following a forgiveness intervention. Forgiveness may be important in people’s emotional healing from events and relationships that cause considerable suffering even if these individuals do not have a psychiatric disorder per se. Some usual ideas about forgiveness fall into such categories such as “move on with your life” or “let go of the resentment.” However forgiveness of deep offenses from other people can be psychologically healing in many ways. Forgiveness has a specific task: to help people overcome resentment, bitterness, and even hatred toward people who have treated them unfairly and at times cruelly. Forgiveness is a specialist in quelling the kind of anger that debilitates the injured or wounded individual. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
Have a Real Happy New Year
You are happy and mentally healthy if you enjoy being with most of the people you know especially family and friends. Generally you like people and are more than willing to help an unhappy family member, friend, or colleague to feel better. You lead a generally tension-free life, laugh a lot, and rarely suffer from the aches and pains that so many accept as the unavoidable parts of living. You enjoy life and have no trouble accepting that others are different from you. The last thing that should come to your mind is to criticize or try to change another person. You are creative in what you attempt and may enjoy more of your potential that you thought was possible. Since no one can be happy all of the time, even in difficult situations you know you are unhappy and you will attempt to do something about it. Consider those who have physical handicaps, this can often be a great occasion to witness sheer joy on the face of another human being. If you are curious about mental health read “The Myth of Mental Illness” by Thomas Szasz published in 1961. He has some compelling thoughts on mental health. All psychological problems have spiritual solutions. Happy New Year to all and may a peace that surpasses all understanding be with you. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
A New New Year’s Resolution
How about a New Year’s resolution of getting to know yourself better. Take the Meyers-Briggs Type Inventory (MBTI) and find out your four letter type. Then read about that type and learn more about yourself. Our personalities can be seen as having two aspects, our temperament and character. Our temperament looks carefully at our inclinations such as why are some people inclined to stay at parties until the sun comes up and why others run out of gas and want to retreat back to their homes. Some are fueled by the incessant social contact, others are ready to call it a night. Your four-letter temperament type can be said to be likened to your thumbprint. Each of us is a unique, unrepeatable act of God with the cooperation of our parents. In the play “Pygmalion” by George Bernard Shaw (turned into a very famous musical entitled “My Fair Lady”), the protagonist strives to create a person just like him. Henry Higgins as he works with Eliza Doolittle in “My Fair Lady” to remake her over in his image finally exclaims in frustration, “Why can’t she just be like me!” Eliza has her own inclinations on how to go about doing things. In a family it is important to be aware of our spouse’s and children’s temperaments. If we continually try to make our spouses and children do things based on our own inclinations, this can well breed some resentment on their part over time. They have their own inclinations on how to get things done. Learn to appreciate their approach to things. Seek to understand rather than to be understood. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
High Standards
Here are some ways a young woman can claim the respect they deserve. First, dress in a way appropriate to your dignity. Don’t walk around sending a message that your body is the best part of you. This implies that your heart, mind, and soul aren’t so important. Say with your modesty “I am worth waiting to see.” Second, refuse to sleep with a man until you have his wedding ring on your finger. If he really loves you, he will wait. The respect you have for yourself and for each other will carry over into your marriage. Third, set your standards high on who you will date. A real man will rise up to meet your standards, but if you stoop and lower yours to his, you will have much to regret. Be patient, amazing men do exist! Lastly be willing to confront any guy who ogles you with his eyes or touches you inappropriately. Firmly and respectfully (and maybe in private) let him know that this is completely unacceptable. Parents do not be afraid to talk to your sons and daughters about this sensitive issue. It can save everyone a lot of heartache. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
People Pleasers Part Two
The problem with being a “people pleaser” is that no one can please everyone all the time and children who try to do this walk through their childhoods as if on eggshells. The slightest misstep for these children seems to destine them for anger, disappointment, or even rejection. A “fragile self” develops and the child is filled with strong but ambivalent emotions. Sometimes they feel intense love, sometimes intense hate. A person with an ambivalent attachment style evolves from an emotionally brittle climate that revolves around two opposing poles: one of living on borrowed time and that at any moment they will be left on their own to fend for themselves, or one of being smothered in hugs and good feelings and knowing they have never lived in a better, more caring environment. There is the momentary assurance of believing that no one who loves this much could ever leave them. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
Avoidant People – Part Two
When avoidant people are asked to describe their parents, they use generalities like “wonderful, great, warm, loving, and kind.” However when asked to provide specific examples of when their parents behaved this way, they are unable to provide specific examples. They want to believe this really happened but have no specific experience to back it up. Insensitive parenting includes “dismissive” parenting where a parent dismisses a child’s emotions, especially the negative ones. “Rejecting” parenting involves a parent who is emotionally disengaged from the child even from early on as an infant. “Intrusive” parenting is too much of a good thing and a failure on the part of the parent to be attuned to the child in a way that honors their freedom to choose. It is a failure to read subtle cues. If you are in need of counseling or know someone who does, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
Do You Have a Loving Relationship?
There three components of a loving relationship are: (1) having an emotional connection with others, (2) being able to disclose private thoughts and feelings, and (3) participating in nonsexual touch. When you demonstrate or show sensitivity and responsiveness to the feelings of others it creates emotional connection. It implies not only understanding but also empathy, the ability to see the world through another’s eyes. Disclosure is the cornerstone of intimacy. Think “in-to-me-see.” We become vulnerable when we share out most intimate and personal thoughts and experiences with those we are connected to. Lastly, everyone needs touch especially kids. Nonsexual touch is linked to the release of oxytocin. Oxytocin is called the “cuddled hormone”. If you are in need of marriage counseling or need some counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
The Grace of Marriage
The key to making changes in a marriage is to see your spouse as God’s son or daughter. Your spouse and you are someone Jesus Christ died for and thus you both are part of God’s flock, a part of His handiwork in the Kingdom. Your spouse is worthy of your respect at all times. Spouses can work through each other to accomplish God’s work. Spouses can influence each other to the good. If you want to influence someone to be more Christ-like then you need to become more Christ-like yourself. A spouse’s behavior should be exemplified by a single word: grace. Grace heals. The hallmark of grace is forgiveness, and one aspect of forgiveness is the attitude of “I am giving up my right to retaliation, my right to hurt you back.” If your spouse has given you every reason for withdrawing, pursuing, or fighting, forgiveness means just letting it go. You are going to cancel the debt. However cancelling a debt is just part of forgiveness. The other part is establishing an appropriate relationship. That means not being foolish or inviting more hurt but having enough courage to take risks and to be vulnerable. Share those parts of yourself you have been keeping locked away…secret feelings, risky opinions, times when you risk rejection but share an idea anyway. If you are in need of marriage counseling or need some counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
Defenses Up?
One of the things that we typically do in a marital relationship is to constantly scan for faults in our spouse. Maybe they are going to let us down and not be there for us in some way. If we do find evidence that indicates that our spouse just really doesn’t care such as not listening or not being considerate, we will complain bitterly, criticize their intentions, and maybe even go on the attack. Our “radar system” has been penetrated and we counterattack. Or we may simply withdraw. If you have an avoidant attachment style where “relational” warmth (things like “touch-feely” talks, a warm hand on the shoulder, or dinner by candlelight) feels really uncomfortable then you may constantly have your radar up for any behavior that will confirm your spouse’s unreliability. You just might become either defensive or very busy. Those with an ambivalent attachment style will scan the horizon looking for proof that their spouse will abandon them and they will be left alone. Those with an ambivalent attachment style look for evidence that these wedges already exist by saying things to themselves like, “He doesn’t call on time” or “She talks with friends more than she talks to me.” Shut down your radar. Pull the plug. Back off. Quiet your heart. Allow your intellect to override your instincts. If you are avoidant, accept the incoming “warm and fuzzy” moment. If you are ambivalent and sense abandonment on the way, do the opposite; move in and be the mate your mate wants you to be. Assume the best and react to it positively. If you are in need of marriage counseling or need some counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.