The state of “inwardness” for avoidant people leads to some disturbing tendencies including addictive behaviors or intimacy substitutes. These intimacy substitutes include an excessive fantasy life, Internet addictions (including pornography), eating disorders, substance abuse, shopping sprees, and compulsive thrill seeking behavior such as driving fast or other types of high-risk behaviors. Another disturbing tendency is an angry resentment of God called volitional doubt. This involves turning away from God and pursuing vice or sinful habits. Volitional doubt is a belief that “God is not really there for me; I have prayed and prayed; yet He never comes through; I don’t need Him; I just need me.” Many atheists have a notably avoidant relational style. They rely on no one, including God. Thus there is no desire to learn about God and avoidant people have stopped seeking Him, stopped praying, and given up on the church community. God is seen as merely making sure nothing goes wrong in their lives. So when things do go wrong in their lives, they blame God. However God’s purpose is not to make sure things don’t go wrong in life. They do! One of God’s roles is to provide comfort but the avoidant person only wants to do that for themselves and push on without coming to a place of honesty. If you are in need of counseling or know someone who does, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
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The Compulsive Perfectionist
A Compulsive Perfectionist is someone who, as a child, achieved attention only for significant successes and were ignored or sternly criticized for anything less. They were discouraged from showing their intense feelings and were severely chastened for expressing anger or frustration. Their parents were emotionally cold and distant and uncomfortable with physical expressions of affection or intimacy. Perfectionists value logic and order. For them, feelings and relationships are like ants at a picnic, unwanted. Perfectionists are prone to depression, especially after losing control of some aspect of their lives. They are also vulnerable to anxiety problems and worry. When they worry it only intensifies their compulsive perfectionism leading to irritable and cantankerous behavior. If you are in need of counseling or know someone who does, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
The Exiled or Disconnected Person
The Exiled or Disconnected person is robed in self-sufficiency and does not feel the need for acceptance or approval from others. They may in fact have little desire to connect at all. They believe they must exclusively count on themselves to provide psychological and emotional support. Typically the exiled or disconnected person cuts themselves off from people and looks inward to a world of fantasy to find pleasure and comfort. To those around this person it may appear that they look cold, distant, and aloof. The exiled person has learned to fend for oneself and Latchkey kids are prone to develop this relational style. For the exiled person, depending on others for emotional support provokes anxiety, which leads to profound feelings of vulnerability. The exiled person derives little if any pleasure from interacting with others and can come across as having a sense of superiority. This is not like the puffed-up superiority of the narcissist. The exiled person barricades themselves from their emotions. Life appears bland and colorless. It is calm, cool, and without much intensity. Lastly for the exiled person there is a longing for connectedness but the fear of being overwhelmed and controlled by others blunts this desire. If you are in need of counseling or know someone who does, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
Know About Narcissism
Narcissism is a state of excessive, inflated self-love. This sense of self-love is considered a false self, because below the layer of superiority festers a deeply rooted sense of worthlessness. Successful narcissists, especially those in the entertainment business (this can include athletes), the political arena, those who do public speaking for a living, and even in Christian ministry, can be manipulative and are in a position to easily exploit others. These individuals frequently surround themselves with a staff of extremely devoted followers who have committed themselves to providing their charismatic boss with uninterrupted adulation. Narcissists become even more self-absorbed under stress and when they receive negative feedback, they become angry and contemptuous. They will defend their actions no matter how indefensible these actions may seem and even go on a counterattack challenging their critic for having the gall to confront them. Unfortunately the problems go unaddressed and may even get worse. Narcissism can be treated through therapy. If you are in need of counseling or know someone who does, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
Avoidant People – Part One
People who have an avoidant attachment style find it difficult to listen sensitively to the thoughts and feelings of others. They also don’t like to disclose their private thoughts and experiences and they are turned off by tenderness and touch. Why is this? Because growing up they felt abandoned and rejected. They learned to hide uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and distance themselves from their feelings. This includes the desire for emotional closeness. Avoidant persons can seem tough and hard on the outside and even develop a “protected self.” The closer one tries to get to an avoidant person the more defensive they may become. If you are in need of counseling or know someone who does, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
Do You Have a Loving Relationship?
There three components of a loving relationship are: (1) having an emotional connection with others, (2) being able to disclose private thoughts and feelings, and (3) participating in nonsexual touch. When you demonstrate or show sensitivity and responsiveness to the feelings of others it creates emotional connection. It implies not only understanding but also empathy, the ability to see the world through another’s eyes. Disclosure is the cornerstone of intimacy. Think “in-to-me-see.” We become vulnerable when we share out most intimate and personal thoughts and experiences with those we are connected to. Lastly, everyone needs touch especially kids. Nonsexual touch is linked to the release of oxytocin. Oxytocin is called the “cuddled hormone”. If you are in need of marriage counseling or need some counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
Your Emotions
Here are some ideas about emotions you might want to consider. There are about 8 primary or basic emotions. These include anger, sorrow, joy, surprise, fear, disgust, guilt/shame, and interest. People seem to be born with the potential or readiness for these emotions. Other types of emotions are learned and are usually some combination of these basic emotions. Some emotional experiences are a reaction to events in your environment, for example becoming angry when someone criticizes you or feeling happy that a loved one is coming to visit you. Other emotional experiences are primarily reactions to one’s own thoughts, actions, and feelings. For example guilt at feeling angry, shame at not doing well on a task, or pride at some achievement or reaching some milestone in life. Emotions come and go like the waves in the sea. Most emotions only last from seconds to minutes. Emotions are self-perpetuating. Once it starts, it keeps restarting itself. When an emotion seems to stay around, it is called a “mood.” Emotions can be useful or destructive. They are rarely neutral. If you are in need of some counseling or know someone who does, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
Priorities and Demands
How often have you been in a situation where later you wished you had said something differently? Maybe you regretted what you said or you just didn’t speak up when you should have. Relationships that are neglected can create an enormous amount of stress. This stress then increases emotional vulnerability and the relationship can quickly go downhill from there. The longer a relationship remains neglected, the harder it is to repair. The ability to repair a “rupture” in a relationship is of primary importance. The key is to balance priorities versus demands in life and relationships. Priorities are those things important to you, things you want to do or get done. Demands are those things other people want you to do, things other people want done. Most troubles with priorities and demands are due to your own priorities conflicting with other people’s priorities. Thus you need good interpersonal skills to maintain your own priorities and/or negotiate compromises. If you are in need of some counseling or know someone who does, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
A Wise Mind
Develop a lifestyle of participating with awareness. A lifestyle without awareness is a characteristic of impulsive (doing things without considering the consequences) and mood dependent behaviors. Mindfulness skills such as Western contemplative prayer or Eastern meditation practices can dramatically help balance the emotional and reasonable parts of the mind. This could be said to be called a “wise mind” where there is a balance between emotional experiencing and logical analysis. If you learn to play a musical instrument you must pay close attention to a lot of things such as hand position, musical notation, and the rhythm. As the skill of playing an instrument improves things such as observing and describing begin to fade in to the background. Learning to drive a stick-shift car is another example of having to pay close attention to what you are doing at first. Learn first to just notice the moment and to experience it with awareness in whatever is happening. Don’t leave the situation or try to terminate an emotion. If you are in need of some counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.
Make That Change
Fostering a closer connection in marriage may involve being the first to change. Husbands and/or wives often say, “Why should I change first? I am tired of giving and never getting anything back.” These words are often the words heard when this course of action is first suggested in counseling. With this change might come vulnerability and vulnerability means risk. And taking a risk is what got a spouse hurt in the first place. You either don’t want to be criticized again or you don’t trust that your spouse will be there for you and listen to what you have to say. Old relational wounds may open up again and you would rather just keep your distance or not even bother bringing it up again. So why should you change? Because you are the only one you have control over and you cannot simply abandon a relationship because it gets uncomfortable. Pride, resentfulness, and fear should not prevent you from fulfilling your marital vows. You must make every reasonable effort to fulfill those vows. Couples either grow closer together or they grow apart and that is not good for your emotional health. What are you doing right now to grow closer to your spouse? How are you changing? Where are you stretching yourself? What quality in yourself do you want to work and improve on? Oddly enough if you take the initial step to change it usually does work. If you are in need of marriage counseling or need some counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.