Author Archives: Lamar Hunt Jr.

What Makes A Marriage Work

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Marriage has the power to sanctify (make holy) each person in the marriage. A couple cannot love each other just based on their own power and initiative. There must be a vital and shared prayer life because faith changes everything. There is a heroic generosity in working for the good of the other person.

As a starting point both individuals in a marriage need to develop their Christian identity. This means a set of values and asking yourself the question of, “Would you live out those values if a camera were on you?” Values are a reflection of your choices and actions. It is a clear sense of your mission.

Couples should start with a “Marital Mission Statement” and asked themselves who they are in relationships with people. If you don’t know what qualities to work on look at Galatians Chapter 5, verses 22-23. Typically the qualities of patience, gentleness, generosity, and self-control need to be worked on marital relationships.

Next, get practical and write it down. If one partner has difficulty with their temper (i.e. patience) then the other partner needs to know how to respond to outbursts of temper. Make sure it is about the quality or virtue you each want to work and remember you are there to help be a source of grace for your partner’s emotional and spiritual growth. Attacks on a partner’s character have no place in a marriage. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Sexual Addiction – Part Five

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So what makes a sex addict? Sex addicts come from families where there were addicts of all kinds. Families of sex addicts have been described as detached, uninvolved, and emotionally absent. They have also been described as rigid, dogmatic, and inflexible. Sex addicts report high incidences of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse in their families of origin. It is clear for sex addicts that trauma or high stress and addiction are inextricably connected. This can include physiological/psychological trauma reactions from unresolved past traumatic experiences; seeking or finding pleasure in the presence of extreme danger, violence, risk, or shame; efforts to numb, block out, or overwhelm residual feelings due to trauma; and blocking traumatic realities by splitting or dissociating from painful experiences and not integrating those experiences into personality or daily life. For sex addicts less than 13% of addicts have only one addiction and sustained recovery is more successful when all addictions present are addressed. Addictions do not merely coexist, but actually interact with each other. For those who may be struggling with sexual addiction and are married a good book to consider is “Open Hearts: Renewing Relationships with Recovery, Romance, and Reality” by Patrick Carnes and Debra and Mark Laaser.  If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Sexual Addiction – Part Four

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So what does a “perfect storm” look like for a sex addict? First the truth emerges. Addiction can only thrive in deception. Sex addiction requires compartmentalization and duplicity. Addicts typically believe in secrecy as the solution. Yet there are no secrets. Something happens to expose the reality and this creates a strong reaction in those around the addict. Second there is damage control by the addict which only makes it worse. Addicts will acknowledge the truth in bits and pieces as they have to. They will resort to dishonesty in the hope that no more facts come out. Then as more facts emerge, they have to admit to more lying which in turn further undermines whatever credibility they have. Spouses often refer to this as Chinese Water Torture. They are worn down by the dishonesty. Next the spouse or loved one becomes a seasoned private investigator. Armed with a heightened sense of distrust and anxiety the loved one becomes obsessed with the addict. They become “forensic” accountants in an effort to find out the truth. Unfortunately they are usually rewarded with more to discover. When an addict discloses the truth or even part of it, the net effect on the spouse is traumatic because it involves “sex” and the wounding is thus “amplified.” It is by comparison easier to understand if someone chooses alcohol over you, but if the disease is about other sexual partners, it is harder to accept. Yet truth and full disclosure does help because it lays bare that the addict clearly has a problem.  If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Sexual Addiction – Part Three

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When someone comes to therapy and presents with a sexually compulsive behavior as a serious concern, there can be an enormous stigma attached to it because it is about “sex.” One of the main primal activities of humans is sex, to reproduce ourselves. However this imperative to reproduce requires responsible behavior. So the reactions are very intense when there are violations of love and trust in the expression of human sexuality. The media bombards us almost on a daily basis with very “messy” situations regarding sexual revelations. These revelations may be about a political leader or a leader of a church such as a priest, minister, or rabbi. Business leaders, educators at the high school level, physicians, college professors, day care professionals, and even law enforcement personnel have had their sexual behavior revealed in graphic detail as well. When sex becomes an addiction it threatens our most important social bonds. Things like compulsive overeating that cause obesity does not generate the huge outcry sexual addiction does and it affects far more people. The fact that 4,300 adolescents might start using drugs everyday does not get much reaction, but sex does. The fact that 16% of graduating seniors from high school are at risk for pathological gambling does not grab headlines, but sex does. Sex is so core to our species’ survival that it has been hard to appreciate when it can be addictive. So when it is, it creates a significant reaction.  If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Sexual Addiction – Part Two

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From a scientific standpoint we now understand so much more about sexual addiction. For example the brain categorizes sex 20% faster than any other stimulus. Sex taps into the same neural chemical processes other addictions do. We now have large samples of data that allow for therapists/psychologists to understand the cause (or factors that contribute) to sexual addiction. There are a lot of researchers who have looked at treatment models that can be effective in helping a client. In fact the willingness to enter into the process of recovery is a benchmark for returning to normal functioning. Reluctance indicates a lack of trust and can reinforce patterns of behavior no longer helpful to the client. Being open with a trusted person is the start of healing whether it be in individual counseling or a group setting.  If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Sexual Addiction – Part One

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The more time I spend in the counseling office the more I am discovering that addiction to pornography is an all too common problem especially for men (not that this doesn’t affect women as well). A broader term for this area might be referred to as sexual addiction and the complaints usually center around lost time, money spent, and deteriorating circumstances within significant relationships. When the losses are great such as a divorce or loss of job then the behavior rises to the level of an addiction. Sex addicts weave a web of lies around their compartmentalized lives. For the therapist and client, therapy does not work well without the whole or entire picture. Research appears to indicate that sex addicts can take up to two years or longer to commit to a treatment process even though they know they inevitably have to face it. “Commitment” can often start with the “perfect storm” which usually includes something so disastrous, so painful and so costly that the addict accepts the inevitable, surrendering and asking for help. So the sooner an addict can become totally honest, the sooner treatment can begin. Total honesty is the first place for the addict to begin even though “full disclosure” can appear as a very daunting and overwhelming task.  If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

The Selling of Sex

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SEE SEX YOUNG, HAVE SEX YOUNG. A recent study (published in April of 2006) entitled “Sexy Media Matter: Exposure to Sexual Content in Music, Movies, Television, and Magazines Predicts Black and White Adolescents’ Sexual Behavior” revealed that this type of exposure accelerates white adolescents’ sexual behavior and increases their risk of engaging in early sexual intercourse. White youths who were subjected to repeated exposures of sexual content were 2.2 times more likely to have sex between the ages of 14 and 16 than those who viewed much less of such material. Those who have fewer alternative sources of sexual norms, such as parents or friends, may turn to the media as a kind of “super peer” that encourages them to be sexually active. Think about sending your 12-year-old son to the mailbox to get the mail and he encounters a Victoria’s Secret catalogue where the cover shot features a gorgeous brunette in a pink bra and panties with a “come hither” look. Many magazines and billboards feature people with perfect bodies wearing next to nothing or clothes that leave little to the imagination. Over time how would that affect the way all of us judge ourselves or others? How much pressure does this put on young girls and boys to look and dress a certain way? This objectification of men and women has gotten markedly worse in recent years and it is very hard to escape. Many parents come to counseling with this concern and it does little good to tell them “just turn it off” because we are literally under siege by this selling of sex everywhere you turn. The daily bombardment affects all of us. Consider the number of marriages ruined by the pornography industry and yet we are told “we are only giving people what they want.” If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Where Do You Stand? Part Three

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In 1997 a freshman senator from Pennsylvania leveled strong criticism at Catholic Charities because the organization was opposed to welfare-reform legislation. Rick Santorum said welfare hurt rather than helped poor families. So Catholic Charities made a Faustian deal with the U.S. government meaning “we will take your support and turn a blind eye to some of the discrepancies we are noticing in some of your anti-life policies.” And on and on it went until we had a startling statement in 2009 from Sister Carol Keehan the head of the Catholic Health Association, “The Catholic Health Association applauds the US House of Representatives and President Obama for enacting health care legislation that will bring security and health to millions of American families.” The only problem with her boldness in proclaiming this was the fact that the U.S. Catholic Bishops opposed the legislation fearing significant conflict with the church’s beliefs. So we arrive at the point where the government demands that the Catholic Church continue with its limitless acts of virtue while the government expects limitless compliance to policies that crush life in innumerable ways. Pope John Paul II stood on American soil and stated that the West is a “culture of death.” Why didn’t we take him seriously and perhaps with childlike innocence look to that firm hand of correction with a more open and teachable attitude? Selfishness and self-love dominate our culture while charity almost seems an aberration. Why didn’t someone tell Sister Keehan that she does not speak for the Catholic Church? So many well-intentioned people get confused by these types of remarks. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Where Do You Stand? Part Two

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So what is at the root of President Obama’s desire to uphold such an unjust law and to continue to find ways to alienate and attack strong-believing Christians and people of many other faith backgrounds? Well Stephen Covey in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” notes in habit #5 “Seek First to Understand, Then be Understood.” This is actually a hallmark of empathy, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and seeing things from their perspective, especially the most defenseless of individuals. A person who struggles with a lack of empathy is someone who typically struggles with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (i.e. an extreme form of selfishness). We are called to graduate from the school of “selfishness” about the time in our lives when an adult such as a parent tells us to think about others and be concerned about their frailties and even help them. Obama did not receive this type of formation while growing up because it is clear that his lack of regard for human life at all stages is callous. In fact one could use the phrase “breathtaking callousness” to define the person of the president. He is not a man interested in the virtue of the greatest good for another human being and would rather take away freedom than be challenged (or try to even learn something new). In short, he is not at the moment teachable and thus there is no humility about this man. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.

Where Do You Stand? Part One

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So what exactly has the Obama administration done to create a culture where the taking of innocent human life is a “normal” everyday activity? He has appointed two very pro-choice justices to the Supreme Court, Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor. Kagan helped direct a political strategy preventing the enactment of a ban on partial-birth abortions while Sotomayor helped direct litigation projects of an organization that filed multiple pro-abortion lawsuits, including challenges to parental notification requirements. Also whenever there is a threat at the federal government level or state government level to cut-off funding of Planned Parenthood, the Obama Administration continues to step in and run interference for this organization that has repeatedly been irresponsible and negligent. In March of 2009 President Obama issued an executive order to allow federal funding of research that requires the killing of human embryos. Common sense again would dictate that the constant killing of unborn children weakens our families and society in general. Karol Wojtyla, the late Pope John Paul II, knew quite well that governments will claim benevolence on behalf of doing whatever it thinks it needs to do in pursuit of its own goals. The Obama administration is doing just that, claiming good will and no harm when in fact there is much harm and irreparable damage being done to our society. If you or someone you know may need counseling, please contact Lamar Hunt Jr. or see his website at http://lamarhuntjrcounseling.com/.